


My 11 o' Clock With Yakko

by galaxybrainhaver (orphan_account)



Category: Animaniacs
Genre: Brief Transphobia Mention, Crappy dad, Gen, Human AU, Jewish Warners, Screenplay/Script Format, The Warners have adhd, Therapy, Trans Girl Dot, bottle episode, shippers do not interact
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:35:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29566914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/galaxybrainhaver
Summary: "Let's talk about why you're here." "I didn't know your doctorate was in philosophy."Alternative title: Human Yakko Torments His Psychiatrist For 2000+ Words.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	My 11 o' Clock With Yakko

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this fic as an introduction to my human au! will i go anywhere with this? probably not. why is it in screenplay format? it was a joke that got out of hand. why on earth did i write this? no one knows for sure! 
> 
> limited edition because i might delete ao3 soon

**INT. BURBANK OFFICE OF DR. OTTO VON SCHRECKENKOPF – 1993 – DAY**

OTTO VON SCHRECKENKOPF (60ish), a bespectacled German psychiatrist with a frizzy Einstein-like mane of white hair, smiles as he straightens one of the many framed diplomas on his wall. The door suddenly swings open, jarring the doctor and making the diploma hang crooked again. Otto’s 11 o’ clock is early.

In walks YAAKOV “YAKKO” WARNER (14), wearing a backpack and carrying a massive poster board that dwarfs the already short and skinny teen. His demeanor is less “kid going to therapy” and more “UCB hopeful at an open mic.” Instead of the SoCal vocal fry one might expect from someone his age, Yakko speaks with an affected Mid-Atlantic accent (albeit with a slight stutter).

Yakko extends his hand to Otto.

YAKKO

Hey, doc. Name’s Yaakov Warner, but you can call me Yakko. One A, two K’s.

He awkwardly tucks the poster under his arm to shake Otto’s hand.

OTTO

_(hesitantly)_

Hello… Yakko. My name is Doctor Otto von Schreckenkopf. You may call me Doctor V., Otto, or whatever name is easiest for you.

Yakko smirks.

YAKKO

I’m in the gifted track at school, pal. I think I know how to pronounce Autobahn Scratchansniff.

Otto silently prickles at Yakko’s lack of respect, but, rather than let the boy’s wisecrack get to him, he smooths out his hair and sits down. Yakko glances around the room.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

Where can I put my stuff?

OTTO

By the door will be fine.

Yakko is already pushing aside Otto’s fake plants and Pier 1 _objets d’art_ to prop the poster board up on the credenza across from the psychiatrist’s chair.

YAKKO

There we go.

Otto, vexed, looks over at the poster. It’s a family tree, painstakingly hand-rendered, with annotations, xeroxed family photos, and just a smattering of glitter glue.

OTTO

What is this?

Yakko pulls a cassette player from his backpack.

YAKKO

I’ve had to explain my family situation to many, many therapists before you, Scratchansniff. I find it helps to have a visual aid.

OTTO

_(with a dawning sense of dread)_

_Und_ what is the tape recorder for?

YAKKO

That would be for the musical number.

Yakko presses play. From the cassette player comes a melody that most _Animaniacs_ fans know by heart. Otto is dumbfounded as Yakko begins to sing.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

_We’re the Warner maniacs_

_And we’re zany to the max_

_So just sit back and relax_

_As I rattle off the facts_

_About the Warner Maniacs!_

CUT TO:

**INT. OTTO’S WAITING ROOM – DAY**

Yakko’s music can be heard faintly through the door. A patient and her mother look at each other, bemused. The bored receptionist shows only fleeting concern.

CUT TO:

**INT. OTTO’S OFFICE – DAY – CONTINUOUS**

Yakko, still singing, points at each family member on the tree as he names them.

YAKKO

_Meet Do-ro-thy and Jackie, a picture-perfect pair_

_A poetess and humorist both caught in Joe’s Red Snare_

_They had a single daughter, the bright and charming Ruth_

_She had three kids with Tad; they split—_

_But that’s just half the truth!_

OTTO

Yaakov, this really isn’t necessary—

YAKKO

_(spoken, interrupting)_

And now, the chorus!

He sings slightly faster to catch up with the music on the cassette player.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

_We’re Warner maniacs_

_Dot is cute and Yakko yaks_ (that’s me!)

_Wakko packs away the snacks_

_We give grown-ups heart attacks_

_We’re Warner maniacs!_

We see an over-the-shoulder shot of Otto’s notepad, where he is vigorously circling the note “ADHD??”

YAKKO (CONT’D)

_Dad was an exec who promised Mom she’d be a star_

_But when he up and left, she found she couldn’t get too far_

_He’d ruined her reputation and left the fam’ly scarred_

_But somehow he got custody_

And, well, now here we are.

Rather than try once more to slow Yakko down, Otto attempts to jot down notes at the same breakneck pace. Yakko is beaming as he sings the final verse.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

_We’re Warner maniacs_

_Hope you enjoyed this brief flashback_

_We’re zany to the max_

_There’s bologna in our slacks_

_We’re Warner maney_

_Totally insane-y_

_Born to entertain-y_

_Warner Maniacs!_

_Those are the facts!_

Yakko assumes a triumphant pose, breathing heavily after the huge cardio workout he just put himself through. He stops the tape recorder and flops down on the couch.

YAKKO (CONT'D)

Any questions?

Otto clearly has several dozen.

OTTO

Uh, yes, one… why do you call yourselves maniacs?

Yakko shrugs blithely.

YAKKO

Everyone else does.

OTTO

Does that ever bother you?

YAKKO

_(laughing)_

Of course not! They’re right to say it. We’re nuts!

OTTO

What makes you say that?

YAKKO

Well, I’m in a psychiatrist’s office, aren’t I?

Yakko frowns when he doesn’t get the laugh he expects. There’s a brief uncomfortable silence. Otto scratches his scalp.

OTTO

Now, there was something else in your song that gave me pause.

YAKKO

What’s that?

OTTO

What is the significance of the line “bologna in our slacks?”

Yakko shrugs.

YAKKO

I dunno, but it always makes Wakko laugh.

OTTO

It sounds like you two get along well.

YAKKO

Yeah, he’s a great kid. A great, weird kid.

Otto turns to a new page.

OTTO

Let’s talk about why you are here.

YAKKO

I didn’t know your doctorate was in philosophy.

Yakko chuckles unconvincingly at his own forced joke.

OTTO

No, no. I meant “here” as in my office. What brought you here?

YAKKO

The 5.

OTTO

Yakko.

Yakko crosses his arms and looks away. He bounces his leg nervously.

OTTO (CONT’D)

Why did you run away from home?

YAKKO

We didn’t.

OTTO

Yes, you did. I’m told it was the third time in as many months.

YAKKO

 _No,_ we _didn’t._ That place is not home. Home is in Pasadena with Mom and Bubbe and Zayde. Not in Burbank with _him._

OTTO

“Him”… your father?

YAKKO

The very same.

(beat)

A—a—and I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like he’s violent or anything. He’s just… a monumental jerk.

OTTO

How so?

YAKKO

Well, for one, he doesn’t let Wakko be Wakko. He stopped paying for drum lessons, he never gets him any of his favorite foods, and he won’t even let him watch _Yellow Submarine_ anymore. I think he threw the tape away, and that was probably Wakko’s favorite thing in the world.

Otto looks confused.

OTTO

That’s _Yellow Submarine,_ the animated film?

YAKKO

Yeah, yeah. One of our grandparents bought it for him and he’s watched it about a hundred times since then. He really latched onto Ringo for whatever reason. He even does the accent, and honestly, if we weren’t brothers, and I just ran into him on the street, I’d swear he just got off the plane from Liverpool. He’s that good.

OTTO

Is it possible that your father got rid of the tape out of concern for Wakko?

YAKKO

What? How?

OTTO

It sounds like your brother has an obsession.

YAKKO

So what if he does? That’s just Wakko. Before _Yellow Submarine,_ it was Don Knotts movies, and before that, it was trains. He’s passionate!

Otto jots something down. Yakko looks a little bit offended.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

I—I—I mean, at least Dad’s better with Dot now. Even calls her by the right name. Well, not that Angelina Contessa Louisa Et Cetera business, but nobody calls her that anymore because she chose it when she was four.

OTTO

Is Dot a chosen name also?

YAKKO

Yeah, short for Dorothy. I guess I shoulda told you—Dot’s transgender. She’s known she was a girl since before she could even walk. All of us are waiting on the rest of the world to get the memo.

OTTO

So, your family is supportive.

YAKKO

Oh, yeah, Mom’s side of the family especially. I remember the morning she told our mom, over her bowl of Froot Loops, “I don’t wanna be a boy.” She and Bubbe took her dress shopping that afternoon.

OTTO

How did your father take it, initially?

Yakko scoffs.

YAKKO

He wasn’t a fan, to say the least. Cussed Mom out about it—said she was “crazy” and “too permissive”—but she stood her ground. She always does.

Yakko pauses. He smiles slightly as he remembers his mother’s defiance.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

We all supported Dot too, of course, so I guess once Dad realized he was outnumbered, he kind of backed off. Plus, it’s hard to say no to Dot. Not only because she’s the cute one, but because she’s stubborn. And she doesn’t suffer fools gladly.

OTTO

It sounds like you admire your sister.

YAKKO

Sure! As much as one can admire a nine-year-old.

OTTO

Your mother, too.

YAKKO

Oh, absolutely, absolutely. I have nothing but respect for the lady. That’s why I’m so incensed about all this.

Otto, pen at the ready, shifts in his chair.

OTTO

“All this” being—

YAKKO

The divorce. How Dad made it impossible for her to get hired in Hollywood. It’s not fair. She should be in movies, not busing tables.

Otto struggles to keep up with his patient as Yakko launches into a tirade. His pen moves a mile a minute while he does his best to nod at appropriate moments.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

I—I—I thought this kinda thing ended in the fifties, but no, my mom got blacklisted, just like _her_ parents. She’s never gonna have a chance to make them proud. That really burns me.

Yakko sits up suddenly, his tone sharper than before.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

So, no, I don’t feel at home with the guy who did that to my mom, who doesn’t even try to understand his own kids. So sue me, OK?

He sighs, exhaling all his anger.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

I can stand up to jerks. I can. But this guy, he’s impossible. He’s got an ego the size of the Goodyear Blimp. I just can’t win with him.

OTTO

“Win?” What constitutes “winning?”

YAKKO

You know, cuttin’ somebody down to size, takin’ somebody down a peg. It’s kind of our specialty, us Warner kids.

OTTO

I see…

YAKKO

And here I thought the coke-bottle glasses were purely ornamental.

OTTO

No, no, I meant _I see_ what you are saying.

YAKKO

Why, what’s wrong with your hearing?

Otto pulls at his hair.

OTTO

_(frustrated)_

Yakko—

Otto releases his grip on his scalp and takes a breath.

OTTO (CONT’D)

I am not your enemy. I am here to help you!

YAKKO

I don’t need help, Scratchansniff. My dad’s the one who should get his head examined.

OTTO

Why’s that?

YAKKO

Well, for one, he sent me to you.

OTTO

Yakko, enough _mit_ all the joking! This is not a Jeremy Seinfield comedy show! 

Yakko shoots Otto an annoyed look.

OTTO (CONT’D)

You were saying that you don’t feel at home when you’re with your father. When _do_ you feel at home?

YAKKO

Uhhh, weekends, when we see our mom. And when it’s just the three of us: me, Wakko, and Dot.

OTTO

Do you _kidses_ get to be together often?

YAKKO

Almost always. People say we’re inseparable. Or insufferable, I forget which.

OTTO

Then you could say you’re always home, could you not?

Yakko sticks out his index finger as if he’s about to deliver another zinger, but Otto’s question appears to have taken him by surprise.

YAKKO

I mean, yeah, when you put it like that, I guess so. 

Yakko looks down at his hands.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

Of course, less so when dad’s around, but when we’re alone together… yeah, I guess that big ugly McMansion does kind of feel like a home.

He lies back down on the couch.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

I still wish I was in Pasadena.

OTTO

Would you want to be in Pasadena without them?

YAKKO

Of course not. When we make a run for it, we never leave anyone behind.

OTTO

Do you ever get tired of running?

YAKKO

We’re tired of getting _caught…_

He sighs and stares up at the ceiling.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

Maybe I am a little tired of running.

Otto, encouraged by Yakko’s sudden display of vulnerability, leans forward in his chair, nodding vigorously. Yakko inhales sharply, about to elaborate, when his watch starts to beep.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

_(suddenly upbeat)_

Oop! Sorry, doctor, I’m afraid our time is up.

Yakko hops off the couch and puts the tape recorder into his backpack. Otto’s face droops. He slumps back in his chair and lets his pen and paper drop to the floor.

YAKKO (CONT’D)

Aw, chin up, Scratchy. I’ll be here same time next week. And the week after that, and the week after that…

Yakko leaves. Otto puts his head in his hands. He can hear Yakko blowing a kiss to everyone in the waiting room.

YAKKO (O.S) (CONT’D)

Muah! G’bye, everybody!

The door slams. Otto sits up and notices that there’s a chunk of hair in his palm. Something tells him this will not be the last.


End file.
